Wassup Video Revisited

My how times change.

A mere two years (give or take -- the second video says 8 years but I think that's a reference to the Bush Administration) between the first Wassup video and Wassup 2008 have seen intensified fighting in Iraq, collapse of the housing market, escalating rates of foreclosure, rampantly inflated gas prices, marked downturn in consumer spending, a notable increase in unemployment rates, meltdown on Wall Street, federal bank take overs, and decreasing values for the stock market and 401Ks.

Oh, and did I mention the $700M bailout for rich people?

No need to get pithy. Someone gunning for Obama-Biden made one of the funniest videos of the campaign season. Compare and contrast - you'll see what I mean.

Sesame Street Meets Pennsylvania Avenue

Exposing bottom feeders of the Bush Administration uncovers unexpected juicy conjecture.

The Part of Chicken Little Will be Played by President Bush

We interrupt the nation's impending catastrophic doom for the story time minute. Today's tender tale is that favorite children's classic, Bush'n Little.

All around Bush'n Little there was nothing but ruin and collapse. One day, wayward debris plopped down on his feathered brain.

"Laura! Dick! Come quickly. The sky is falling!" he chirped.

"Better do something at once, Bush'n Little," chimed in Brother Dick. "Go agitate those big guns down in Congress or play in traffic. Leave us alone for a change."

And so, Bush'n Little picked himself up out of Pennsylvania Avenue and trundled down the road. He met Fallson Paulson and McCan't McCain along the way. The three of them happened upon Dosie Pelosi, a beguiling creature with her own agenda.

"Oh please, Dosie Pelosi, the sky is falling. Can't you see?," pleaded Bush'n Little. "We need huge wads of cash for my buddies back at the hen house so that they can build a bridge up to the sky. That'll keep it from falling down, for sure."

"I see nothing of the sort, Bush'n Little," snarled Dosie, "And even if I did, you chickens have made such a mess of things, what good would it do?"

Fallson Paulson dropped to one knee. "Fair and gentle soul, Dosie Pelosi, have pity on feathered friends flocking together," he pleaded. "We need your help to stop the sky from crashing over all of us. You must get on board behind our cash grab or the entire sky will collapse."

"Fallson Paulson! How you do make me laugh," Dosie replied. "The Kingship is now up for grabs and I would be a fool to enhance the stature of your contestant over my own." At that point, the wily fox keened her eyes on McCan't. "Pray tell, what are you doing here, McCan't? Shouldn't you be out campaigning?"

"I put that on hold along with today's scary debate to follow in the path of Bush'n Little," replied McCan't with more than just a hint of pride. "He flaps about in noble acts of selflessness, screaming and warning like a bat out of hell, yet proposes nothing worthwhile. Nada. Zip. I can learn much from his chicken ways."

"Speak up, McCan't," urged Dosie, "I must determine whether I should kiss up to you."

"Uh, nope, sorry," said McCan't. "No can do. I cannot speak up. Too political. Besides, Bush'n Little is the one in charge. What he says goes."

And with that, Dosie Pelosi turned her back on the motley crew to seek out her own source of sustenance. The sky and everything in it could rain down on the world, she didn't care. She had everything she owned tied up in off-shore bank accounts, private foreign investments, and a slew of other hedges against catastrophe. She would be just fine in her own little padded lair.

But Bush'n Little and company? Somebody's lunch. She'd make completely certain of it.

Congressman Ron Paul Refuses to Endorse John McCain

And he's not the only Republican bucking the tide.

Congressman Paul says he cannot endorse a candidate with whom he fundamentally disagrees on all the major issues. Federal reserve spending, taxes, education, foreign policy, and especially Iran. An implicit signal to his supporters to back Obama-Biden. You'd think Texans would have gotten the message by now.

Long time Conservative and former editor of The National Review Wick Allison also admits that McCain is not the right man for the job. He says Conservatives are "cemented to political programs when they clearly don't work" and view the war against terror as a theological expansion of America's mission to defeat evil. He further cautions against a philosophy that would make "George Washington cough out his wooden teeth."

We've come a long way from being isolationists, but unilaterally becoming the "Avenger of Evil" under a mistaken notion of religious duty is as bad as the terrorists.

I used to believe kill or be killed was the only way to defeat our enemies, but fall of the Roman Empire provides a valuable lesson in the possible repetition of history. Perhaps failed diplomacy wasn't responsible for the war as much as the people who delivered the message. Obama-Biden have better foreign policy expertise between them. In this critical area, the contest isn't close.

John McCain is so out of touch with mainstream America, he can't keep his answers straight any more, like he has to choose between what he's been coached to say and what he really believes. In his defense, I can't blame him for doing what needs to be done to claim victory. McCain had to energy his Conservative base or risk losing them at the polls. But at what price comes the pacification of such a small portion of the electorate?

Conservative values are basically good and decent. I have no qualms with the majority of them, believing many traditional values are worth following. I only draw the line when Conservatives insist on imposing those values on non-subscribers. It isn't the role of government to keep library books off the shelves, decide what a woman should do with her body, or institute tax policies that favor 2% of the population holding 90% of the wealth.

The system is broken. John McCain is essentially promising more of the same. Don't get me started on earmarks for special interest groups.

Barack Obama recently wowed a sizable crowd with his comments about the meltdown on Wall Street. The video is long, but the first five minutes pack a wallop.

Obama's are the sentiments most capable of turning this country back in the right direction. "The dream of the American people must not be endangered any more!"

Time is running out to register to vote. If you haven't done so already, get off your patootey now! This election is a pivotal time in American history. Whichever candidate you support, stand up and be counted.

Reason #69 to Rock The Vote

[Source]

Jonas Brothers Spark White House Fever and Wax Probing

Imagine you're a member of the White House Press Corps, ready to rumble your otherwise humdrum existence with a vetting of the President's Press Secretary when suddenly a gaggle of teen magazine and entertainment news reporters descend upon the room, complete with teeny-boppers in tow.

Many of the over thirty crowd had no idea who had rolled into town. But don't count sexagenarian Dick Cheney among them. The colorful V.P. brought his grandchildren to work yesterday for the chance to meet The Jonas Brothers, one of the hottest musical acts in America.

Can you guess which fans smell of oil holdings and hunting rifles?

Neither can I. But that never stopped me from ridiculing blatant nepotism.

Nick, Joe and Kevin Jonas arrived in the nation's capital to attend a public briefing on diabetes and tape a National Parks public service announcement. White House officials later ushered the band into a downstairs area to sign a little known wall of with celebrity autographs.

Well look at that. The most powerful men in the free world get star struck just like the rest of us. Only difference is they can scratch their inner stalker any time with a trip to the underground Grauman's Chinese Theatre Mini-Me. Try constructing something like that in your basement.

Joe Jonas seemed especially humbled to add his signature to the prestigious collection of celebrity ink scratchings.

"There's other names up there that are just astounding, some of our favorite artists and politicians," he said. "But it's going to be really cool to see that in 10 years, 20 years from now."

Watch raw footage of The Jonas Brothers news conference here

From there, it was on to Madame Tussauds Wax Museum for the unveiling of their "yummy dummies." Fans hungrily groped the fakes long after the boys made their exit.

In and around Washington, lucky bystanders took advantage of the opportunity to rub elbows with the Camp Rock stars.

Just goes to show when it comes to fashion, these guys could still use some styling. If not for the matching wedding singer shoes, I'd be willing to bet it was the doppelganger gripping the mike.

[Source]

George Bush Plays Beach Bum at Beijing Summer Olympics

"Toddly" and "The Big Guy" win one for "The Dubya."

And in related beach blanket news...

"She's my little deuce coupe. You don't know what I got."

Dissecting Angelina Jolie Politics Won't Secure Seat at the Lunch Table

Oh those MSNBC celebrity puff pieces. Wherever would The Spewker be without them?

It's a news broadcast. It's a gossip tabloid. No silly, it's two, two, two "this-country-is-going-to-hell-in-a-handbag" moments in one.

Yes, I feel like a "celebretard" following the political nuances of actress and UN Goodwill Ambassador Angelina Jolie. Doesn't everybody?

So, she's an independent who hasn't endorsed a presidential candidate. So what? Will it matter to the middle class when she decides whose political platform best serves starving children in Africa? Do working poor care about the world refugee crisis when they can't pay their own heating bills?

Could Bob Costas be any more of an insensitive neanderthal peppering President Bush with questions while possible Olympic swimming history unfolds?

I love how Keith Olberman uses VH-1's Paul Tompkins as political sounding board. Like the Hannity & Colmes of Politicelebritopia, this spot plays like a mathlete dissecting the cool clique's perceived shortcomings, jealous of all the fawning attention paid Jolie, emasculating her baby daddy as "press agent," and whining about her making him feel bad.

A pathetic longing for a seat at the Jolie-Pitt-Clooney lunch table disguised as investigative reporting. As if.

Shia Busted Again for DUI and Mo' Gossip

Hello, world. IT'S MOAN QUIVERS! Reporting to you live from the red carpet in virtual Hollywood. Even though no one seemed to enjoy last week's titillating round of gossip, I'm getting a second shot at this gig.

So, without further ado, here are my sizzling gossip picks for our Monday morning "Weekend Wrap."

Keira Knightly won't buckle under pressure to permit digital enhancement of her upper torso in movie promotions. Only in Hollywood, folks. You go, girlfriend... er tomboygirl ... erm, whatever. [NY Daily News]

More disturbingly intimate photos of Miley Cyrus have hit the fan. Yech. Ptooey. Somebody better teach the Disney diva about the better part of valor before her fan base hits the fan and moves on. [Ocean Up]

The supermodel and the quarterback put their respective bachelor pads on the market. Do I hear wedding bells for Tom and Gisele? When can we start calling them Gisom? [People]

I know who I'm hitting up for a night on the town. Forbes ranked top paid female celebs and you'll never believe who hit #1! Hint: It wasn't Reese. [Hollyscoop]

Once again, Shia LaBeouf has been busted for DUI. Lately, the Disturbia star is showing disturbing signs of serious trouble. LaBeouf crashed his truck around 3:00 a.m. Sunday morning and underwent surgery for injuries to his left hand. Police are using blood drawn at the hospital to confirm alcohol levels. Woo boy. [TMZ]

Richard Simmons intends to wipe out childhood obesity one chunky chubby at a time. The exercise guru discusses plans to march on Washington in support of new legislation. [Extra]

Bobby Kennedy, Jr. and wife Mary have turned construction of their new environmentally friendly green home into a 13-part reality series. "This Old House" star Bob Vila will supervise the project. [Rush and Molloy]

Now here's something truly wacky. Some wild and crazy Iowans tried to take Congressional matters in their own hands by making a citizens arrest on Dubya's old pal, Karl Rove. Too bad these crazy mixed-up kids were then arrested themselves. But ya gotta admire all that spunk and determination. [CBS]

She supposedly busts up a perfectly good marriage and now she's suing the photographers who caught her trysting nakedly with a married man. Homewrecker! Hussy! Ho! Blaming the paps for your sinful ways is lower than dogmeat. [Hollywood Newsroom]

Talk about being a wanger. Andy wangerhead to be precise. Yes, Andy Dick goes out of his way to prove he actually can get arrested even though hardly anyone in Hollywood will touch him with a ten foot pole. [Uberazzi]

That's a wrap. Tune in again next Monday morning for another live Moan Quiver's report. Ta.

Cannes It, Film Festival Judge Sean Penn

The Cannes Film Festival is in full bloom with overachieving Pandas, starlets clad in attractive summer wear, and loud mouth extraordinaire, actor Sean Penn. There he is on the red carpet for the premiere of opening night film, Blindness, along with a distinguished panel of fellow judges, including the luminous Natalie Portman.

Too bad she and Penn hijacked what should have been a breezy promotion for the film industry, unleashing a Bush bashing, Democratic presidential nominee thrashing, roll your eyes tongue lashing on a topic best left to smoke-filled Hollywood parties. Does Penn honestly believe the current political climate will decide which film walks away with top honors?

Yes, according to an editor at the daily Telegraph who interviewed the actor at length.

Penn said it was impossible to separate film from politics, and promised that the winning film would be a reflection of the current climate.

'One way or another, when we select the Palme d'Or winner, I think we are going to feel very confident that the film-maker who made the film is very aware of the times in which he or she lives.'

This from a man who endorsed dark horse Dennis Kucinich for president. Must be their symbiotic penchant for all things wacky. Penn unleashes tirades against Brad Pitt during movie shoots and Kucinich gives first hand accounts of extraterrestrial encounters.

According to JustJared's account of the event, Penn had choice words for the Dubya administration, essentially charging the President with war crimes.

When somebody operates without a brain and without a heart they kill hundreds of thousands of people throughout the world. It is a shame that we have to bastardize the word 'politics.'

Oh puh-leeze. The only one operating without a brain is Mr. Penn. You can't go around vilifying the President for a war approved and ratified by Congress, even if the purported justification was in fact botched intelligence. Especially not when one is an ambassador of some sorts abroad. This kind of nonsense emboldens enemies, fueling battles the majority of Americans would rather put to rest.

Apparently, the left-handed jab at our elected leader wasn't enough because Penn then unleashed his vitriol on likely Democratic presidential nominee, Barack Obama.

'I don't have a candidate I'm supporting and I'm certainly interested and excited by the hope that Barack Obama is inspiring,' he said, but went on to accuse him of a 'phenomenally inhuman and unconstitutional' voting record.

'I hope that he will understand, if he is the nominee, the degree of disillusionment that will happen if he doesn't become a greater man than he will ever be,' Penn said. 'This is the most important election, certainly in my lifetime, and maybe ever.'

A greater man than HE will ever be?? Was Penn referring to himself? Because honestly, no one will ever become a greater man than that same person will ever be.

As for the candidate's voting record, there is nothing phenomenally inhuman or unconstitutional about it. In fact, it's verbatim the same voting record of Hillary Clinton, save an absence here or there, but you don't hear Penn ragging on her.

The comment itself is inane and idiotic, not to mention a mother load to throw on the shoulders of the first credible African-American candidate for president. A nomination for Barack Obama would be historic, lending an air of credibility to Penn's statement that 2008 is the most important election in his lifetime and perhaps ever.

If elected, however, Barack Obama will serve just like all other prior presidents. With the hope and desire to make this nation strong and secure and to provide a comfortable existence for all of its citizens. We're not talking about a black messiah here, just someone who wants to make his mark in American history.

Although not endorsing any particular candidate, I love how Portman weighs in with more fluffer-nutter trivializing the political process.

[F]or the first time in a while we have to chose between who we like better instead of who we hate less.

Is this supposed to be inspiring? Because from where I sit there's a lot of people who don't particularly like any of the candidates. They're casting ballots for the one they fear less. Doesn't say a whole helluva lot for our political process.

But then again, neither does this lunacy at Cannes.

[Source]

First Photos Jenna Bush and Henry Hager Wedding Revealed

On May 10, 2008, at Prairie Chapel Ranch in Crawford, Texas, First Twin, Jenna Bush, married long-time sweetheart, Henry Hager, in a private family ceremony. President George "Dubya" Bush and First Lady Laura Bush, as well as First Twin, Barbara Bush, and assorted family members were in attendance.

[Official Photos]

We have our own exclusive photographs of the happily married couple at the ceremony and on their honeymoon.

Newlyweds Henry and Jenna Hager take their first walk down the aisle.

Henry Hager and Jenna Bush Hager on their honeymoon in the Holy Land.


We Baltimorons couldn't be more excited about the happy couple choosing our quirky town for their first love nest. I hear they secretly purchased one of those historical row houses in a yuppie downtown neighborhood.

Shhhh. Don't tell anyone. As soon as the cat's out of the bag, the paps will be swarming the place.

Of course, having Jenna and Henry nearby is a definite advantage. All that secret service protection couldn't help but lower the murder rate.

Hope for Economic Stimulus Package Pinned on Coolspotters Shoulders

Looking like a niche social network for obsessed celeb watchers, Coolspotters.com launches a celebrity connection sometime later today or tomorrow, depending upon your Google Maps location.

If it weren't for the brash commercialism, I'd definitely be one of the first ones to sign on. The site connects people to stuff, the implication being if you've seen stuff on a celebrity or in some media program, you must make it your own. Chat up the products and make some new friends...or maybe frenemies, who knows?

"Rate stuff, leave comments, and follow cool people," urges a diagram at the top of the homepage. "Coolspotters is the Google of people and products," proclaims Rachel Zoe, celebrity stylist. Oh bully. Just who everyone wants to see in their browser. A stylist instead of an actual celebrity. Now you too can purchase the same styling sheers used to shave Britney's head. Only a thousand bucks at Vidal Sassoon. Hurry while supplies last.

I can see it now. Bored upwardly mobile teenagers flocking to Coolspotters, gossiping about celebs, rating the coat Lindsay stole, spending sugardaddy's hard earned cash on stuff they don't really need.

That oughta make Dubya light up like a Christmas tree.

[Source]

Maybe BarneyCam Should Do Upskirts and Nipple Slips

Celebrity upskirts and nipple slips are all the rage. Everywhere I turn, another blog article or video is out there exploiting famous embarrassment. With so many cameras trained on their every move, you'd think wary celebs would be more careful not to expose their naughty bits.

Nipslips and upskirts must be the inspiration behind Beavercam. I laughed myself silly at the intrepid buck-toothed rodent strapping a webcam to his furry head while trolling Hollywood Boulevard. Having just viewed the riotous DVD of Alvin and the Chipmunks, I see a real future for The Beav.

And then I got to thinking, which came first, BeaverCam or BarneyCam?

Barney, that lovable lolling canine of Dubya and Laura Bush, is the ostensible star of holiday themed webisodes created on behalf of our Executive Branch. I first learned about Barney's star power when White House insider David Almacy spoke at the morning plenary of GW University's 2008 Politics Online Conference.

Let's just say I've been waiting for the right opportunity to set the record straight about these webisodes and though this may not be it, I'm taking my shot.

According to David, BarneyCam was born by strapping a camcorder onto the President's pet and allowing him to romp around the White House grounds. Staffers wanted to provide information about the Executive Branch and limited access to the President on Whitehouse.gov and saw the videos as a way to attract the public. The pilot episode received over 8 million hits.

After reading my article about the Conference, David got the impression that President Bush was dying to be part of BarneyCam, sort of muscling his way in on Barney's success. He wanted me to know that wasn't the case. According to David, the President is and always has been the focus of these episodes.

The first time President Bush joined the cast, he made a joke about the number of viewers, something about whether his episode would get as many hits as the pilot. As I stated in my article, the President's webisode had low viewing stats, not because he was unpopular, but because the White House allowed other sites to embed the video.

Here's the feedback I received from David:

You are correct about the first [Barneycam focusing only on Barney] - I was referring to every one since. There wasn't a specific episode just focusing on the President and the shift occurred starting in 2005 as the Internet grew. The conversation I had with him about the 8 million [viewers] was not a separate meeting but rather just before we taped his part for that year's BarneyCam.

Phew! I am so glad to get that weighty matter off my chest, especially in an article about upskirts, nipple slips, and links to the President's daughter.

Cryptic Google Valentine's Day Reminder

On behalf of bajillions of people worldwide who forgot cupid's day, thank you, googlepods, for today's reminder. I don't know what the rest of the world wakes up to, but my homeboy is Google. Not trying to curry favor or anything, just like starting my day with an algorithm that takes me where I need to go.

Speaking of which, I've been wondering all day where these octogenarians need to go. The message finally hit home. This mediocre reproduction of today's logo (still waiting for approval or denial of permission to run the original) looks like they and their Valentine's Day "Bon Voyage" balloons are seriously contemplating a one-way trip into the sea. Probably couldn't live off their paltry social security income checks any more and decided to call it quits. Dubya tax rebates couldn't come fast enough.

For those astute enough to decipher the clues, the hidden message says it all. Indistinguishable facial expressions. Feet precariously balanced between sea and shore. Illustration shapes unable to substitute for missing logo letters. Clearly, that last one tips the scales. Without those letters, the logo becomes "Go E," a cryptic message to the untrained eye, but plain as day to we super sleuths.

"Go E" is the universal code command for "Go East" (instead of west), as in take a hike, and in this case, take a hike old farts. Way to go, hommie! Subliminally suggesting euthanasia as a way to keep social security afloat is pure genius.

Saudi Blogger Remains in Jail and Other Undigested Blips

Undigested fragments belched while out and about in the news...

1. Did anyone actually see the movie Underdog, or is it just going straight to DVD? As a kid, I never missed the cartoon. As an adult, I don’t recall any advertisements.

2. Kissing the ground of this democracy and silently reciting the pledge of allegiance as I read about the Saudi blogger who remains in jail for daring to publish his name alongside his opinions.

3. When only 41 members of the National Society of Film Critics decide who gets the awards, that isn’t news. It’s a coffee klatch.

4. Can we treat 2008 as the year we stopped caring about "Unfitney"? No? Didn’t think so, just thought it was worth asking.

5. Do you Bebo? Maybe you should.

6. Democratic candidate Dennis Kucinich honestly thought Iowans would make him their first choice for President. No wonder he’s the only person in Congress who admits to seeing a UFO.

7. Anyone who still thinks the top three Democratic presidential candidates can refrain from personal attacks please take one step forward. There’s a growing demand for consumer sheeple in the tanking American economy.

8. Oh, for goodness sakes. No one in their right mind is going to waste what little time is left in 2008 trying to impeach the President and/or Vice President. Quitcher belly aching and get back to work.

9. Quick, all you low-tech people who don’t have cable subscriptions, only 22 million vouchers left and they’re going fast. I wonder what the feds did to publicize this program. Decided to lend a helping hand, just in case they were too busy trying to defend the President.

10. Two male guinea pigs in a cage with one igloo hideaway make an awful lot of noise. Guess it’s time to buy a bigger cage that can fit a second igloo.

Celebrities Served 12.13.07

This is the first edition of a new feature here at The Spewker. A roundup of political and legal news culled from the world of entertainment:

1. The home of the “Voice of Los Angeles,” could be razed rather than preserved as a national landmark. The new owner claims Bukowski was a Nazi sympathizer. [utchmynitz]

2. Akon plead not guilty to criminal charges for tossing a young fan off a concert stage earlier this year. [pravda]

3. PETA is targeting Olsen twins, Mary-Kate and Ashley, for killing animals to look attractive. [dumbasscelebrities]

4. Media mogul Conrad Black was sentenced to 6-1/2 years in prison for fraud and obstruction of justice. [canoe]

5. Gary Collins has been charged with driving under the influence, but somehow escaped prosecution for manslaughter after his accident victim died. [latimes]

6. Daniel Baldwin’s lawyer wants an arrest warrant dismissed, claiming his client's failure to appear for a scheduled hearing was an honest mistake. [celebnewsupdate]

7. Speaking of mistakes, everyone’s favorite screw-up skipped a scheduled court deposition in her pending child custody case. [babble]

8. Madonna is battling the board of her luxury apartment for blocking her purchase of a neighboring property. [timessquaregossip] Madge recently horrified animal activists by dying her sheep rainbow colors for a spread in Vogue. [thenews]

9. In more New York housing battles, following a dispute with her landlord, Bianca Jagger was evicted from her home. [showbizspy]

10. Looks like a home isn't a castle on either coast. Burglars hit the Hollywood Hills estate of Charlize Theron. [13wham]

11. Shia LaBeouf can breathe a sigh of relief. Walgreens dropped trespassing charges against the handsome Transformers and Disturbia star. [stuff]

12. Handsome rules the day in awards news. George Clooney and Don Cheadle received the 2007 Nobel Peace Summit Award today. [thenews] Clooney is planning a second profile raising trip to Darfur next month to increase awareness of human suffering. [moono] His documentary about the war torn region, A Journey to Darfur, will air this Monday on the AmericanLife TV Network. [usatoday]

13. Sopranos creator, David Chase, is back in federal court fighting copyright infringement claims. A former municipal court judge argued Chase ripped off the successful HBO series from his crash course about the New Jersey mob.[blogonaut]

14. In other claims, the Rev. Al Sharpton denounced an IRS investigation into his non-profit civil-rights organization, National Action Network, as a low-down smear campaign to discredit his forthcoming presidential candidate endorsement. [officialteflontvblog]

15. More smear. A racist slur cover-up from the 2004 manslaughter trial of ex-NBA star, Jayson Williams recently reared its ugly head. [nj]

16. When will the drunk driving stop? Stone Temple Pilots and Velvet Revolver singer, Scott Weiland, was arraigned on DUI today. [msn]

17. Adding more fuel to the fires of the Bush administration, the 58th annual Berlin International Film Festival will debut Errol Morris’ Iraqi prison scandal documentary, Standard Operating Procedure. The festival runs in early February, 2008. [loosetooth]

18. Trying to make light of the whole Iraqi prison controversy, Fox humor columnist, Greg Gutfeld, suggests waterboarding torture tactics should become the country’s national sport. [thinkprogress]

Sad Saga of O.J. Simpson and Other True Confessions

O.J. Simpson is back in the news, this time for something really bizarre, if that’s even possible. About three weeks prior to the alleged armed robbery that landed him in jail, the FBI blew off warnings about the self-organized sting operation from "O.G.loved One" and his co-conspirator, Thomas Riccio, refusing to take part in another “weird celebrity case.” According to the Jordan Falls News,

|FBI spokeswoman Laura Eimiller said Riccio did not indicate a crime
|would be committed.

So, let me get this straight. The FBI plopped a gob of goo on the laps of Nevada authorities because the idiots who orchestrated this reality TV heist neglected to inform the feds about possible use of force? How exactly did the FBI envision an O.J. confrontation with an alleged memorabilia-stealing wheeler-dealer?

“Hello there. I’m O.J. Simpson. Would you like me to autograph this stuff? Gee, thanks. Now that I’ve got everything I need, I’ll be seeing you around…”?

It’s bad enough the feds sat on intelligence normally channeled to local authorities, but what goads me is their insipid excuse for doing so. That got me thinking about the O.J. saga in general and how this development from another planet is one more miserable notch in the “couldn’t make this stuff up” belt.

Of course, when it comes to making stuff up, O.J. takes top honors. Who else would have the unmitigated gall to pen something as rancid as If I Did It, call it fiction, and expect to profit? I couldn’t bring myself to look at this repackaged tripe and, apparently, neither could a lot of other people. Thankfully, the "O.G.loved One's" ill-advised foray into true crime confession is now #125 on Amazon.com, although I do feel for the Goldman family as the book’s gathering freefall means less sour grapes for the juice.

When the book placed in the top ten, it stood in a class all its own. Nothing from its genre had ever garnered so much attention. In fact, the book paved the way for anyone – group, individual or heir -- wanting to peddle a compelling true story as fiction. I had a strange inkling about a possible literary trend, so I decided to do some digging around. What I uprooted is indeed stranger than fiction. Take a look at the top seven manuscripts rumored for publishing in 2008:

1. If We Perpetrated A Cover Up, by the Warren Commission
Subject: Assassination of President John F. Kennedy.
Summary: Back in the day, before Freedom of Information and the JFK Records Act, there was no need to consider a conspiracy. We could pretty much investigate however we pleased. The development of forensic science was primitive in comparison to today’s methodologies. Also, the lack of meaningful oversight allowed us to omit key information with no immediate consequences. As the months dragged on, it became readily apparent if we reported the destruction of material evidence or numerous irregularities in our own fact-finding mission, then too many “good old boys” would lose their jobs. Blaming a dead man and those bozos in the Secret Service became our ticket out of Dodge.

2. If I Caused It, by Yoko Ono
Subject: The break up of The Beatles.
Summary: John always most talented of that group. But inside, he still insecure like little boy. From minute we meet eyes, John drawn to me, like young butterfly to flowing nectar. I suppose it not hurt I also master of ancient Japanese technique. I plan all those bed-ins, make John my sex slave. Very soon, John do exactly as I say. I say world revolve around us, not mopheads. John take me everywhere, let me deal with cheeky leeches. Everyone fight. Only one sure way to make end.

3. If We Pushed Illegal Drugs To Do Our Dirty Work , by George H.W. Bush
Subject: Ending the counter-culture revolution.
Summary: All those commie subversives from the ‘60s -- Black Panthers, Brown Berets, Cesar Chavez, Martin Luther King, Jr., Young Lords, Student Nonviolent Coordinating Committee – they all swore an oath to destroy America. Our secret intelligence tried every known tactic to squelch those vermin. Yet, as fast as we could pick ‘em off, another would take their place. The CIA still denies any involvement in illegal drug trafficking, but it took me less than a year to find out how we were sweeping those pinkos off the streets into the crack houses and prisons where they belonged. Of course, with my political aspirations being what they were, once I caught on, I had to resign my position as Director. Told everyone I needed to spend more time with Babs.

4. If I Erased It, by Rose Mary Woods, as told by her best friend (name withheld upon request)
Subject: The missing Watergate tapes.
Summary: In a desperate attempt to save my career, I purposefully erased about ten minutes of those tapes. Even an average jane secretary knows her boss is going down when he’s reckless enough to record himself disparaging minorities. I swore an oath to Tricky I’d never tell, but seeing as how he resigned, I can’t see the harm now. I immediately stopped erasing when an aid barged through my door. After everyone had left the office for the day, I went back to retrieve an old sweater. There was Tricky, all flustered and sweating like a cow, poor thing. He was desperate to work the erase pedal. I gently tried to show him how, but he stubbornly insisted on doing it himself. Before he could get the hang of it, Pat barged in. She ordered him upstairs. I quickly put on my sweater and left. Heard her saying something about finishing what he started. Never did learn what.

5. If Humans Were Bred With Extraterrestrials , by Paul Bennewitz, as told
by an extremely concerned neighbor (name withheld upon request)
Subject: Area 51.
Summary: They poisoned me, those S.O.B.s, my mind, my water, all my food, everything I hold near and dear. They know it, I know it, and now the whole world will know. They used that off limits base to breed humans with aliens. It’s the only way the United States will remain a world power. When I found out, they implanted a chip in my brain to keep me from blabbing. They know it, I know it, and now the whole world will know. Don’t mind all the crazy drawings posted on my walls. Do you hear voices? I need a cigarette. Will you please make the voices stop? Where’s my cheese?

6. If It Wasn’t An Accident, by Prince Philip
Subject: Death of Princess Diana.
Summary: I always felt responsible for forcing that disastrous marriage, more so when she and poor Charles divorced. Those half naked tabloid pictures with that ghastly Arab, well, that’s what did her in, I’m afraid. As mother of heir to the royal throne, she still had our dignity to maintain. Bett tried to warn her by floating rumors, but the little tart paid no mind. She left the House of Windsor no choice. Putting my brilliant stroke of genius into action was quite easy, really. We knew her itinerary. We had a discreet link inside the DGSE. We set up a ruse for some chap to pose as a photographer. The rest, shall we say, is history. My one regret is Henri. He wasn’t supposed to be on service detail.

7. If Daddy Orchestrated It, by Jenna Bush
Subject: 9/11.
Summary: It’s no secret Daddy used drugs and alcohol to cope with his inadequacies. I’ll be the first to confess, being the do nothing offspring of a powerful man is mucho depress-o. At some point, Mum threatened to leave Daddy unless he sobered up. The next thing I knew, Grandpa and Uncle Dick promised Daddy the White House in return for a whole buncha stuff. Something about that Bin Laden dude and Halliburton. Does Saudi mean anything to y’all? Anyhoo, every who was anyone in the Republican party leaned all over those supreme court robes to sway Daddy’s election. Then, Condi worked out a plan involving stealth planes and missile fire -- still a tad hazy on details – something about increasing Daddy’s ratings in opinion polls to impress Mum. I feel bad innocent people had to die, but I’m sure glad my folks stayed together. Umm. Well. Can y’all excuse me? Henry and I gotta party.

Mess Ups and Dress Ups - A Halloween Filled Foible Review

I've been having a lot of problems with my computer. Not that anyone cares. In trying to get back up to speed, I also noticed a lot of problems in the underbelly of government and entertainment. Hmmm, might make a good feature for the blog, I mused. Ta da. Out of musings, a new feature is born.

1. This nimnall may rank as the dumbest celebrity of all time. Last year, he made more than $500K and pocketed an additional $15K a month in child support, yet his 2006 net earnings total only $7,436.00! In my book, that's either an awful lot of blow, too many sycophants, a need to join shopaholics, or a combination of all three. Maybe he's just a pushover for consumer crazy kids, who knows, but somebody better get hold of this idiot and shake some sense into him...[more]

2. Found a fabulo roundup of Halloween pictures of the rich and famous. Only problem is someone either goofed by including a pix of costumed Christine Aguilera and Jason Bratman from Halloween Past, or that's the best bump camouflaging costume I've ever seen. If the latter, all massively preggers people would be insane not to track down the designer...[more]

3. Looks like Vincent "Don Vito" Margera of Jackass fame got down and dirty in the wrong state at the wrong time. Tsk. Them Colorado folk take their molesting accusations rather seriously, I'd say. Poor Don may be going away for life for something that would have been looked on with a snigger and a wink in good ol' el Lay. Guess that'll teach him where to get lewd and crude. On a side note, what's with the split verdict? Where I come from, it's either all or mistrial. Seems if you're going to send someone away for life, the least your justice system could do is require unanimity...[more]

4. Immigrant Francisco Casteneda got more than he bargained for after being detained by Immigration and Customs officials. But he's going to get even. The bonehead moves of our government never cease to amaze me. I just hope Mr. Casteneda gets the chance to live for his day in court...[more]

5. Perhaps the reality TV blunder of all time, we finally learn about FBI involvement in the O.J. Simpson Vegas sting. What some people will do for money is beyond comprehension. Oh sure. Thomas Riccio got his fifteen minutes and much much more. But was it worth the risk of becoming a convicted felon and forever having his name associated with the most famous celebrity murderer of all time? Call me crazy, but whatever happened to achieving fame the old fashioned way?...[more]

That's a wrap. For now...adieu.

Politicelebritopia Round-Up for October 29, 2007

The line separating politicians and celebrities so often becomes blurred. As they cross into each others' realms, mongrel spawn are born. Round-up from this past week includes:

1. Madame Tussauds opened another house of wax in Washington, D.C. This full sensory interactive museum is probably the only place in the world where both Katie Couric and J. Edgar Hoover can put visitors on the hot spot...[more]

2. Cate Blanchette's sons have problems differentiating the celebrity from the sovereign, but they’re only five and three years old. What’s everyone else’s excuse?...[more]

3. Whoever is running FEMA watches too much reality television. America’s civil servants turn their California wildfire response into a botched episode of Survivor...[more]

4. This Hillary screensaver is a riot. When maneuvered correctly, New York’s junior Senator looks quite happy to substitute bubbly balls for hubby Bill...[more]

5. Speaking of Bubba, at Hillary’s 60th birthday bash, good ol' Bill revealed aspirations to star in Billy Crystal’s next movie. You’ll never believe who tested for the part of Marilyn Monroe...[more]
6. The downside of socialized medicine is revealed as Keith Richards, Patricia Routledge, and Christopher Timothy march to protest the consolidation of hospitals in southern England...[more]

7. After toying with the idea of running for president, popular Comedy Central star, Steve Colbert, begins stumping in his home state of South Carolina. Guess he skipped the ending of that popular Robin Williams movie, Man of the Year...[more]

That concludes this week's edition of Bastard Child. Tune in again next week for more spawn from around the globe.

Politicelebritopia Round-Up for October 11, 2007

The line separating politicians and celebrities so often becomes blurred. As they cross into each others' realms, mongrel spawn are born. Round-up from this past week includes:

1. John Edwards’s fundraising woes may not be the only thorn in the side of his campaign. Readers are furiously kicking down a storm at The HuffPo...[more]

2. Blue bloods can’t relate to the face of St. John. This big name celeb is about to have more time to indulge in pet political causes...[more]

3. A fictional Norwegian reporter lobbed pretty provocative interview questions at NY City Councilman James Oddo. His tirade now plays to critical acclaim on YouTube...[more]

(warning: video contains graphic language, viewer discretion advised)

4. A how to guide about halting the Hillary Express is a crash course for presidential hopefuls in future Democratic debates. John Dickerson of Slate provides thoughtful insight...[more]

5. And, in what can only be charitably referred to as a publicity stunt, the Bush administration goes to bat for a confessed rapist and murderer. I think the American people are being punked. Did I mention the guy is an illegal Mexican immigrant?...[more]

That concludes this week's issue of Bastard Child. Tune in again next week for more mongrel spawn from around the globe.