Shia Busted Again for DUI and Mo' Gossip

Hello, world. IT'S MOAN QUIVERS! Reporting to you live from the red carpet in virtual Hollywood. Even though no one seemed to enjoy last week's titillating round of gossip, I'm getting a second shot at this gig.

So, without further ado, here are my sizzling gossip picks for our Monday morning "Weekend Wrap."

Keira Knightly won't buckle under pressure to permit digital enhancement of her upper torso in movie promotions. Only in Hollywood, folks. You go, girlfriend... er tomboygirl ... erm, whatever. [NY Daily News]

More disturbingly intimate photos of Miley Cyrus have hit the fan. Yech. Ptooey. Somebody better teach the Disney diva about the better part of valor before her fan base hits the fan and moves on. [Ocean Up]

The supermodel and the quarterback put their respective bachelor pads on the market. Do I hear wedding bells for Tom and Gisele? When can we start calling them Gisom? [People]

I know who I'm hitting up for a night on the town. Forbes ranked top paid female celebs and you'll never believe who hit #1! Hint: It wasn't Reese. [Hollyscoop]

Once again, Shia LaBeouf has been busted for DUI. Lately, the Disturbia star is showing disturbing signs of serious trouble. LaBeouf crashed his truck around 3:00 a.m. Sunday morning and underwent surgery for injuries to his left hand. Police are using blood drawn at the hospital to confirm alcohol levels. Woo boy. [TMZ]

Richard Simmons intends to wipe out childhood obesity one chunky chubby at a time. The exercise guru discusses plans to march on Washington in support of new legislation. [Extra]

Bobby Kennedy, Jr. and wife Mary have turned construction of their new environmentally friendly green home into a 13-part reality series. "This Old House" star Bob Vila will supervise the project. [Rush and Molloy]

Now here's something truly wacky. Some wild and crazy Iowans tried to take Congressional matters in their own hands by making a citizens arrest on Dubya's old pal, Karl Rove. Too bad these crazy mixed-up kids were then arrested themselves. But ya gotta admire all that spunk and determination. [CBS]

She supposedly busts up a perfectly good marriage and now she's suing the photographers who caught her trysting nakedly with a married man. Homewrecker! Hussy! Ho! Blaming the paps for your sinful ways is lower than dogmeat. [Hollywood Newsroom]

Talk about being a wanger. Andy wangerhead to be precise. Yes, Andy Dick goes out of his way to prove he actually can get arrested even though hardly anyone in Hollywood will touch him with a ten foot pole. [Uberazzi]

That's a wrap. Tune in again next Monday morning for another live Moan Quiver's report. Ta.

Will Smith Drops Open Marriage Bomb in Revealing Interview

Is Will Smith's mind-blowing revelation in Reveal magazine already old news? In a word, yes, as confirmed by at least one other commentator:

Isn't this old? I coulda sworn I heard this a couple of years back and they had to explain that. Anyways its very, very sad. sounds like monique's dumbass when she said the same thing.

The commentator is referring, of course, to Smith's confessed open marriage policy with wife Jada, an arrangement seemingly more controversial than gay marriage because by definition a marriage built on outside hook ups is antithetical to the basic foundations of marriage and marriage ideology.

I didn't hear anything about this back in 2005, maybe because I was getting my news from the mainstream. But if comments on these articles are any indication, there's a morality war raging across the country with little fanfare in the media.

Hey, whatever two people do in the privacy of their own home is up to them. The part I'm against is the sucking in of third parties who are either way in over their heads or scary kinky. That opens the opportunity for mind games to start kicking in, and before you know it you and your significant "others" have created an unhealthy environment for young children, friends, and even other relatives.

If this juicy piece of gossip is any indication, the Smith kids are going to need plenty of therapy:

I was wondering why Will was so close to Tom Cruise (the midget, who was the "boy toy" for that gay billionaire, Geffin, when, Tom was young of course), going so far to kiss him at a premier or two and you always hear about Will visiting Cruise, ha, ha. I always thought Will was a 'little' too comfortable/friendly with his male co-stars.

But, whatever floats your boat, as long as he doesn't bring home aids or Hep 'C' to Jada! She acts like and dresses like a little dyke anyway, so, she probably is a switch hitter anyway, too.

Lets face it, they are a loose couple and play around....

I know I know, what's the harm if everyone's on board? Well, relationships are hard enough to navigate without the added pressure of a complicit spouse. At least when you're living together, everyone pretty much knows where they stand. The long-term open relationships of Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell or Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins immediately come to mind. Couples like that often say what holds them together is knowing they have the choice to leave. When you have that kind of mindset, why bother with a piece of paper?

Marriage with benefits defiles the institution of marriage, affecting those who are too weak and vulnerable to resist its destructive tendencies. I'm not saying Will and Jada aren't happy, they probably are like peas and carrots.

I'm just wondering whether the people closest to them will eventually emerge unscathed.

Disturbing "I Am Legend" Played Me Like A Violin

Hate gory sadistic horror films and not exactly a fan of futuristic sci-fi either, but something about I am Legend and the critical reviews grabbed my attention.

Love the Fresh Prince of Bel Air, mega huge fan of Baltimore-bred-and-educated wife, Jade Pinkett Smith (not the hair; sorry, hon), adore the blatant nepotic casting of young family members in this and his last flick (hey, if you've got it, flaunt it). Like other armchair critics (spoiler alert), I had no idea what to expect. Figured I would roll the dice and rent the DVD.

Yah, so now that it's over and I'm shaking like a leaf, I'll sum up in one word the voyeuristic experience of living only four years into the future stalked by humanoid carriers of a genetically engineered virus wreaking havoc on the few remaining strands of humankind, transforming the city of New York into a desolate hell hole, and punctuating almost every scene with an eerie fatalism of cure or be eaten: Disturbed.

Can't fault people (spoiler alert) for thinking this one is a masterpiece. This film has blockbuster (more spoiler) written all over it. Shooting locations unheard of in average run-of-the-mill fare. Recurrent themes of racism, beacons of light in the face of darkness, faith and ultimate redemption (bonus: the music of Bob Marley plays a pivotal twisted role in plot development). Butterflies and pathos. It's all there.

Yet, the sum of the movie's parts was frightening enough to make me cry, not from sheer horror, but from deaths of characters with whom I had briefly become attached. No, not the freaky mannequins, although Smith's performance in his second trip to the video store should have been nominated for an Oscar. Let's just say when the whole shebang climaxed, I felt drained like a played violin. I should have recognized standard movie ploys and kept my distance instead of allowing myself to connect with these incarnations of the human condition.

But don't go by me. I'm a marshmallow in the face of most horror and science fiction. Mind games I can handle. Cataclysmic destruction, not so much.

Celebrities Served 12.31.07

Not wanting to step on the toes of a more prominent site reporting celebrity justice, the following lesser known shorts were gleaned over the past week from a variety of sources:


CRIMINAL MATTERS

Mischa Barton was released on $10,000 bail after being busted for DUI, possession of a controlled substance and marijuana, and driving with a suspended license. Police pulled her over for driving in two lanes of traffic and failing to signal.

Amy Winehouse wants to recant her confession to possession of marijuana. A Norwegian court has summoned the chanteuse to appear on February 29, 2008. Winehouse has seen her share of legal problems over the past year. After her jailed husband, Blake Fielder-Civil, failed a drug test, authorities banned the couple from having personal contact during prison visits. Winehouse was later arrested for interfering with a police investigation.

Thieves stole expensive shoes and a personalized designer robe from Posh Spice a.k.a. Victoria Beckham. The singer is on a reunion tour with her former rock band, The Spice Girls.

Sugababe Amelle Berrabah’s boyfriend, Freddie Fuller, was the victim of a bizarre Christmas Eve machete attack. Police have arrested a 28-year old man on suspicion of attempted murder.

Party promoter, Apollo Holmes, is wanted on aggravated assault charges after brutally beating personal fitness trainer, Darius Miller, outside a Peachtree Street nightclub. Miller remains hospitalized in a coma.


CIVIL ACTIONS

An ex-girlfriend is suing NYPD Blue star, Esai Morales, for transmitting herpes through forcible sex. Lawyers for Elizabeth Mazzocchi say two other women have come forward with similar claims.

Radio broadcasters are livid over a bill working its way through Congress. Traditionally able to play music without paying associated performance fees, the bill would place radio stations on a level playing ground with other music media providers.

The "truth" hurts. Chuck Norris is suing Penguin publishers and author, Ian Spector, for a book he claims unfairly exploits his famous name.

Five children of the late James Brown are challenging their lack of inheritance. Doubts were cast on the validity of the famed singer's last will and testament after earlier drafts indicated conflicting intention.

A devoted "Trekkie" fan is suing Christie’s auction house, claiming a prop auctioned for $6,000.00 was fake. Calls to CBS Paramount were not immediately returned.

A lesser known musician is accusing Baby Shambles rocker, Pete Doherty, of stealing an original song without affording proper credit. We imagine the suit is about money, not fame, although the two sometimes do go hand in hand.

In other disputes concerning failure to authorize, Indie rock groups have filed a class action lawsuit against R.J. Reynolds Tobacco, magazine legend Rolling Stone, and Wenner Media. The bands claim they were not consulted about an illustrated spread which deceptively included advertisements for Camel cigarettes. A number of bands also want public apologies.

AND LOOK WHO'S GETTING OR IS FINALLY DIVORCED,

Dita Von Teese and Marilyn Manson
Valerie Bertinelli and Eddie Van Halen
David Faustino and Andrea Faustino
Sean Penn and Robin Wright Penn


CELEBRITY POLITICS

Brian McNamee and Roger Clemens may come to heads over testimony cited in the Mitchell Report. The controversial Report doesn’t stop with athlete outings. Entertainer, Carrot Top, was also cited for unusual body beefing.

Superstar, Will Smith, is angry over the backlash against his misinterpreted Hitler sympathies. For the record, Smith believes "Adolph Hitler was a vile, heinous vicious killer responsible for one of the greatest acts of evil committed on this planet."

Before airing The Pogues' "Fairytale of New York," Britain’s Radio One tried to dub the words "slut" and "faggot" from the 20-year old festive hit. After much public criticism, the song aired as intended.

In a bizarre ban indicative of political strong-arming, The Motion Picture Association of America rejected a movie poster design for Taxie to the Dark Side, a documentary exposing the U.S. government’s use of torture. The MPAA claimed the poster was unacceptable for the eyes of young children.

Poor Wesley Snipes has resorted to playing the race card in his tax evasion dispute. Listen, crybaby, we like your films, but you’ll never get ahead in this world if you keep blaming everything on the color of your skin. The truth will win out in court, and if not, cough up the money and move on.

The White Rose Coalition, a group of anti-war activists who count Cindy Sheehan among its members, is planning a pre-parade demonstration in Pasadena tomorrow. The planned site of the 119th Annual Tournament of Roses Parade is calling for added police protection.

British Airways suffered some political backlash after allowing the minor son of celebrity chef, Gordon Ramsey, to travel on an invalid passport. Other passengers/customers are crying a preferential treatment foul.

One of our favorite actresses, Julia Roberts, spent $30million transforming her personal residence into a lean green eco-efficient machine. Julia became more environmentally conscious after having children. If you've got it, at least flaunt it on something worthwhile.

The Pope denounced Nicole Kidman’s new movie The Golden Compass. Maybe that accounts for the film's tepid earnings at the box office. When The Vatican speaks, the faithful listen.

Private corporation, Clear Channel Outdoor, is teaming with the FBI to display digital "wanted posters." The company operates over 167,000 advertising displays in the U.S.

In crossover news, supermodel, Naomi Campbell, is doing her part to improve humanitarian conditions in Cuba. The British babe turned political reporter plans to interview Fidel Castro during her tour.


CELEBRITY CAUSES

Ever hear of reverse charity? Managers of popular pop duo, The Veronicas, refused to refund a $17,500 booking deposit for a cancelled benefit concert. The proceeds were meant for the family of a boy suffering from brain cancer.

Spencer Pratt of The Hills fame, and actresses Jennifer Love Hewitt and Melissa Joan Hart served Christmas dinner to the homeless at the L.A. Mission.

Singer, Morrissey, donated 20,000 pounds to help restore a youth club immortalized in a song by his former band, The Smiths.

Steven Spielberg and Henry Winkler enlisted the assistance of top talent for the 2007 Home for the Holidays charitable event. This year’s event raised awareness of foster care.

Country legend, Willie Nelson, donated $40K to the town of Vancouver, Washington. The singer wanted to assist special projects in the "town who knew him before he was famous."

Barron Hilton, grandfather of socialite, Paris Hilton, has decided to place the bulk of the Hilton Hotel fortune in a charitable trust benefitting The Conrad N. Hilton Foundation. The foundation supports projects providing clean water in Africa, education for blind children, and housing for the mentally ill.

R&B star, John Legend, knows how to give back. The singer returned home to perform in a "Coming Home Christmas Benefit Concert." Proceeds will fund The Jason Collier Memorial Scholarship Fund.

Corporate retailer, H&M, is teaming up with pop singer, Rihanna and other celebrities to raise money for HIV/Aids.

Wishing all of our readers a very Happy and Healthy New Year!