Thoughts on some movies: Sex in the City, Mr. and Mrs. Smith

Lacking in other ideas, I decided to review some movies my wife and I watched over the weekend.

1. Sex and the City: spoiled, oversexed, ugly, stupid, rich, white girls whining about their problems, most of which are brought on by unbelievable selfishness on their part.





























Not only that, but it was over two hours long. Any movie I watch over two hours long better have some epic battle scenes to break the monotony, or I'm going to get bored and start surfing the net.

Finally, how much really exciting stuff is there that can be said about female sexual relationships anyway? How many times you had an orgasm, how many positions you performed, what your guys stuff tasted like, etc. Who freaking cares? In real life, I've had people try to tell me about their sex life. It was gross and uncomfortable for everyone involved. Sex is a very natural part of life, IMHO, but it should be kept PRIVATE for the most part.






































2. Mr. and Mrs. Smith: good but not great movie. My problem with Angelina Jolie is that, even though she has a rockin' good body, she looks like a horse in the face. Also, the storyline on the movie was very predictable. I called the ending (no I haven't seen it before, so what?) that the two were married about an hour into it.

Oprah Winfrey: I have the Power!

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No Oprah is not He-Man or She-Ra. (Although she might like to be. Who knows?) But she is one angry woman-beast after seeing Forbes push Angelina Jolie in its latest celebrity power rankings. Nobody ranks higher than Oprah! Nobody! And she'll make sure you don't forget it.

So what will the big O do to retake her throne from Brad's other half? Let's just say giving away cars and Angie's kids to her twitter followers aren't out of the question as this future twitter entry shows.

Oprah Winfrey's future twitter entry for June 8, 2010:

9:45 am -- HELLO LOYAL MINIONS!!!!! It is I Oprah. Repeat after me: Oprah is good, Oprah is great. We surrender our will as of this date.

10:10 -- Good news! The Central time zone has been renamed the Oprah time zone. We're still working on getting my name attached to Chicago.

10:15 -- @oprahlover69: what are you going to call it.

10:20 -- I'm thinking Oprah presents Chicago. Or Chicago: an Oprah City.

10:25 -- @Oprah-is-queen: brilliant.
@oprahlover69: marvelous.
@marrymeoprah: I love your ideas as much as I worship you.


10:30 -- @bigredlips: Nice try, Oprah. You still aren't more powerful than me. I have more power than you can possibly imagine.




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10:45 -- REMOVE JOLIE AT ONCE!! Twitter is for Oprah and OPRAH ONLY!

11:30 -- I've got a special surprise for my twitter followers! You're all going home with a car today! You're getting a car! And you're getting a car! And you're getting a car! And you're getting a car!

11:40 -- @oprahlover69: who is giving us cars, oh great one?

High Noon -- Contact Barack. He is the GM of GM after all and he owes me a solid. I made the man what he is today!

12:20 -- @bigredlips: I have more twitter followers than you. And I just added another recruit to my growing army of children. This one is from Azerbaijan. HA HA HA HA HA HA !!!!




12:35 -- I have a new announcement. Everyone here today is going home with a BRAND NEW KID!!! You're getting a kid! And you're getting a kid! And you're getting a kid!

12:40 -- @Oprah-is-queen: Cool! Where are we getting these kids?

12:50 -- Ms. Jolie's house of course. Swarm and descend. She will feel the wrath of OPRAH NATION! I am Oprah, Ruler of Stedman and Queen of Chicago.

12:55 -- Watch my show today. We will be breaking down the latest issue of O Magazine and I will have an exclusive interview with the gorgeous cover model.

1:00 -- We will also be getting a field update from Jolie Baby Raid '10 via special correspondent Anderson Cooper.

WATCH OR DIE!!!!!

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Dissecting Angelina Jolie Politics Won't Secure Seat at the Lunch Table

Oh those MSNBC celebrity puff pieces. Wherever would The Spewker be without them?

It's a news broadcast. It's a gossip tabloid. No silly, it's two, two, two "this-country-is-going-to-hell-in-a-handbag" moments in one.

Yes, I feel like a "celebretard" following the political nuances of actress and UN Goodwill Ambassador Angelina Jolie. Doesn't everybody?

So, she's an independent who hasn't endorsed a presidential candidate. So what? Will it matter to the middle class when she decides whose political platform best serves starving children in Africa? Do working poor care about the world refugee crisis when they can't pay their own heating bills?

Could Bob Costas be any more of an insensitive neanderthal peppering President Bush with questions while possible Olympic swimming history unfolds?

I love how Keith Olberman uses VH-1's Paul Tompkins as political sounding board. Like the Hannity & Colmes of Politicelebritopia, this spot plays like a mathlete dissecting the cool clique's perceived shortcomings, jealous of all the fawning attention paid Jolie, emasculating her baby daddy as "press agent," and whining about her making him feel bad.

A pathetic longing for a seat at the Jolie-Pitt-Clooney lunch table disguised as investigative reporting. As if.

Paparazzi Spawn Celebrity Baby Picture Industry

The sale of celebrity baby pictures is big business. Ever escalating, now topping out at $10 million to $15 million, the first look at Brangelina twins Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline is beginning to raise eyebrows. The newborns will make their public debut in a future issue of People with a second "exclusive" layout to follow in OK!.

Despite earmarking proceeds from the shoot to charity, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are under fire. Some question obscenely high amounts paid for celebrity baby pictures. Others call the arrangement exploitation.

Frivolous waste of resources equal to the GNP of Myanmar or shrewd use of public insatiability for celebrity photographs?

Parodoxically, the inexplicable desire for a glimpse into the lives of celebrities fuels distaste for the paparazzi. The streets of Hollywood and Manhattan are full of professional and amateur photographers attempting to earn a livelihood or turn a quick buck. It's gotten so bad, surfers attacked a TMZ crew off the coast of Malibu. Politicians contemplate new legislation. Even fans have taken up the cause.

I've posted before about paparazzi encounters of the third kind. Some of the following scenes are surreal.

At some point, unless Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie intend to raise their children in a vaccum, they must venture outside the gates of their fortified compound. Not surprisingly, paparazzi have already staked out camera angles for their anticipated departure. Money talks. Those first photographs are worth a pretty penny no matter who takes them.

Better People and OK! magazines who will donate the proceeds to charity than money grubbing paparazzi who cavalierly disregard the consequences of ignoble intrusion.

Politicelebritopia Round-Up for October 11, 2007

The line separating politicians and celebrities so often becomes blurred. As they cross into each others' realms, mongrel spawn are born. Round-up from this past week includes:

1. John Edwards’s fundraising woes may not be the only thorn in the side of his campaign. Readers are furiously kicking down a storm at The HuffPo...[more]

2. Blue bloods can’t relate to the face of St. John. This big name celeb is about to have more time to indulge in pet political causes...[more]

3. A fictional Norwegian reporter lobbed pretty provocative interview questions at NY City Councilman James Oddo. His tirade now plays to critical acclaim on YouTube...[more]

(warning: video contains graphic language, viewer discretion advised)

4. A how to guide about halting the Hillary Express is a crash course for presidential hopefuls in future Democratic debates. John Dickerson of Slate provides thoughtful insight...[more]

5. And, in what can only be charitably referred to as a publicity stunt, the Bush administration goes to bat for a confessed rapist and murderer. I think the American people are being punked. Did I mention the guy is an illegal Mexican immigrant?...[more]

That concludes this week's issue of Bastard Child. Tune in again next week for more mongrel spawn from around the globe.