The last few days have been hard ones. I have chronic depression as some of you know from the bipolar end of my Schizoaffective disorder. When we are depressed and feeling defeated; it's all we can think about. In a sense, it's a denial that things are impermanent, and thus a denial that things will get better at some point. Thus, the depression becomes a downward spiral of self-fulling prophecy.We aren't bad or to blame for this denial because we wouldn't do it if we honestly didn't believe the delusions the mind is projecting. This is especially true for those who experience biological, chemically induced depression. If the brain is missing a certain volume of chemical then it's bound to run low on batteries at some point. If your car breaks down despite doing your best to keep up with the maintenance; do you blame yourself for it? Of course not, you know that cars break down from time to time--it's the nature of life. Things break down, and at some point no longer work.
So, why can't we feel that way about depression? Well, I think because the habit-mind clings so tightly to this idea that it is permanent and special. So, when something comes along like depression that upsets that sense of comfort, and makes it feel endangered it wallows in misery that it isn't being "pleased." It doesn't feel special anymore and like a two-year old, it's pouting. It wants someone to blame for it's misfortune, and, so it turns on the personality-mind within itself that represents you to the world. The personality-mind is the outward expression of who you are--the collective karma that emanates as "you." It's a projection of our mind like a hologram that is quite sophisticated, and often is mistaken as a separate entity. However, I digress.
The mind gets stuck in a loop of blame because it can't accept the reality that things change. So, if you're going to be thinking anyway; why not contemplate on the depression itself rather than on the effects of the depression. This means first accepting that depression is simply a fact of human existence. It will never be different for the human form because it is at its core, flawed. This isn't our fault but rather just how things evolved. When we accept this truth then we can ease up on ourselves. So, when seen in that light, depression emerges from the behind the dark, menacing clouds of self-hatred and into the illuminating sunshine of awareness that such is the condition of being human.
This is contemplating on depression itself, as a concept that touches everyone. So, this helps me become better aware that we're not being singled out; as depression can often convince us into believing. It helps us step-back from it and see that the depression is a temporary storm but certainly not something that can't be survived. However, when we contemplate upon the of the effects of the depression, and, thus personalize it by thinking we're worthless and useless then we will never feel happy. In addition, the depression will go deeper and last longer--It's assured.
We need to embrace our depression to understand it because withing understanding it we won't be aware of where to make adjustments. It's easy to want to push it away and try to ignore it but that just makes the problems bigger. When a child is sad, do you turn them away or ignore them? Or course not--you cradle them, hold them and ask them to tell you all about it. The same is true of ourselves. We must be compassionate toward ourselves or else how can we be compassionate toward others? Seeing how all is interconnected you can't really have one without the other.
Contemplating upon depression as a symptom of life helps us dislodge that corrosive emotion that tells us we're not good enough. How can we ever be, "good enough" if we think that we suck and everyone else is perfect? Does that make sense? Of course not. So, when we contemplate upon depression itself we realize that rather than being the only person in the world who can't figure life out, we're just like everyone else!! And, just knowing that you're not alone, and that you're experiencing a natural, normal and very common emotion of the human condition helps you survive the dark hours of depression.
However, it's not always that easy to just flip the switch, and some days we just have to lick our wounds and do our best to be kind to ourselves until the storm passes. I know how hard it is to struggle with depression but it's ten times harder when you think you deserve to feel depressed. Or, that you deserve to live a life of unhappiness. We are all destined for liberation regardless of what obstacle is the biggest in on our path. Please, if you are struggling with depression and mental illness know that there are people out there who care and want to help. As for me, my light is always on and my door always open at: jaymur@gmail.com
~Peace to all beings~
